Curious and strange behaviors often happen around money.  Somehow our ethics and demeanor can change when money enters the equation.  Recently a friend who is a Massage Therapist shared a fascinating story with me.  As part of the process of renewing his certification, he is required to attend an Ethics Class every four years. Two of the topics the instructor covered were ‘Hugging’ and ‘Tipping’. The way they were approached during this class was very intriguing to me.  Let’s start with ‘Hugging’.

According to the curriculum, the ethical standard is to discourage a client from hugging their masseur.  This logic seems bizarre to me personally, however, my friend explained they spent a great deal of time on the avoidance of hugging. Including coming up with solutions, like telling the client “I just don’t feel like a hug today” as a way to dissuade hugging after the massage.  My friend has the perspective that if a client wants to hug him as a warm friendly thank you for a job well done, he’s all for it.

The ethics class then made a rather odd turn to the discussion of how to encourage tipping.  Clever things like a tip jar, and even saying “I appreciate it when you tip me.”  My friend was pretty shocked by this.  He considers what he does as a massage therapist to be a healing art. We don’t tip doctors, dentists, chiropractors or acupuncturists – so why should we tip our massage person?   My sense is that we tip the people who are not getting fully compensated for their work, like ones who live on tips. My friend chalks it up to greed on the side of his colleagues.

Either way, it seems pretty odd that hugging is bad yet, tipping is good, doesn’t it?  But then tipping is about money, and things tend to get pretty wonky there, don’t they?

Personally, I get a kick out of watching a few of the ‘Judge’ TV shows.  Every single case brought forward is about money and how wacky people get with it!  Common threads include ideas like “I shouldn’t have to pay back the loan, because I got fired, I don’t make enough, I want to buy a house…” on and on it goes.  One of the most frequent causes of these suits that end up on television is that people’s emotions overrun their original reason for getting money into the mix via a gift or loan.

We all know what can happen in families when money is involved, right?  The same sibling or parent who would probably jump in front of a bus to save your life is likely the same person who will never pay you back for that no-interest loan you gave them.  Similarly, if you don’t spend the money a family member gave you in a way they approve of, they might possibly sue you in court to get it back.

If it’s a stranger that someone hired to do something for them somehow people feel entitled to not pay them if the vendor calls you, or shows up at your door and asks for money. They consider it harassment to be asked to pay for the services.

I think the reason these practices are such a mess, from the tipping to the lending, to the gifting is that people are still so confused about money.  To my thinking, Money is a tool to tell us what we are up to.  Money says in clear terms that we made this much and spent that much.  Money doesn’t have an opinion about whether that decision to spend or save was smart, good, or even ethical.  That’s not its job.  But we use money as if it was its job.  We have judgments about money all the time, or more precisely what those around us did or didn’t do with it!

So for my part, I hug my massage person, not my doctor, and tip the food server.  Oh, and I try not to let money get in the middle of my relationships, be they routed in the personal or professional.  How about you?  What’s your take on this tale of money and ethics?

Ka-ching

Shell Tain, the Untangler

At the beginning of this century, I lived for a couple of years in Columbia, South Carolina.  It was quite a culture shock for me, having lived in the West all my life.  I thought I could live anywhere –  I was wrong, so wrong! One of the more frustrating cultural phenomena in Columbia was what I called ‘Everybody Knows’.   At that time ‘Everybody Knows’ was not just a Southern thing, it was also an East Coast thing.  

More often than not, the people that live in South Carolina and even the East Coast in general, come from a long line of generations living in the same place. They were entrenched in their surroundings and way of life.  Once, while having my hair done at the ‘Cut and Curl‘ near me, my stylist and I were talking about food.  I mentioned an ingredient that was rare in that part of the city.  I can’t quite remember what it was, perhaps Tarragon Mustard?  She seemed quite interested in the mustard, and I told her she could get it at a shop in Five Points, a shopping area about 6 miles away in downtown Colombia.  Her comment was “Oh!  I never go that far!”

Things in the South and even small towns across this country continue as they have always been.  Thus there is no need to give people information… because ‘Everybody Knows’!  The local newspaper declared ‘Fireworks at the Fort on the 4th’ and yet there was no further information listed.  Important information, like when?  Which entrance? Is there a cost?  Where do you park?  Pets allowed?  All sorts of things that I, being a newcomer, wanted to know!  Specifics were not printed anywhere in the paper because ‘Everybody Knows’.   There was an array of things that everybody there knows today, and has known forever.  

My concern which you may see as a ‘rant’ is that this mindset is spreading!

Certainly, in this age of the internet, the world feels smaller.  I’ve had clients as far away as Bulgaria!  It feels like technology is taking over our lives. It has taken over so much so that I have a new rule for myself: Only one technological challenge a day!

Much has changed since I first started using computers in the early 90’s. In our rush to get the newest, fastest, wizziest tool possible the ‘Everybody Knows‘ syndrome has taken over.  Back when computers were just becoming mainstream there were actually printed instruction manuals. I know, because I wrote some of them!  There wasn’t this standing assumption that ‘Everybody Knows’.

These days I can and have spent hours trying to figure out how to use software that I’m supposed to just magically understand.  Software that has no Help Function which covers my question.  Icons and sequences that don’t make sense to me.

Some examples that I’ve run into include:

• The Triangle, Circle, and Square on my Fire Tablet – I at least grok* 2 out of 3 of these now. (* For those of you who aren’t Heinlein fans, grok is Martian for understanding profoundly and intuitively.)
• How to answer my cell phone.  Who knew you had to put your finger on the flashing button and drag across to the receiver icon to answer that puppy?  Certainly not me.  I kept having to call people back.
• Don’t even get me started on the lack of explanation for how to use mandatory websites for filing payroll taxes.

To my thinking, it all falls into the ‘Everybody Knows’ category. See what keeps happening is that we make assumptions that everyone knows what we know…right?  As we do that, we exclude people who don’t know what we know.  That is a very dangerous thing to do.

And it’s not just the software that is at fault, it’s how we use it.  I keep having this thing happen where I send an email to someone with two or three questions in it. Somehow I only get a response back for the first question.  It may not be the exact ‘Everybody Knows‘ relationship, but it’s a close cousin!  I’m guessing it has to do with the amount of technology overload we often experience. We don’t take the time to really read the email in its entirety. We read the first part of it and we just zoom it back.  I’ve noticed that when I do that I often miss something.

We all need to slow down.  If you can’t actually focus on the response now, why not wait until you feel less rushed?  Unless it’s a dire emergency people will accept waiting a bit.  I notice some people set expectations for when they will respond with tags on their emails like: “You can expect a response from within one business day.”  Or you could send a response that says: “I’ve got your email, and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.  Up to my tuckus in alligators at the moment.”  Sometimes, especially if I’m tired, I will read a ‘tone’ into an email that isn’t there when I re-read it later.  Based on that revelation I have taken to purposely waiting awhile before I come back and answer it.  Preferably even overnight.

One thing I think everybody knows is that this lack of patience, courtesy, and respect in our communication hurts everyone. It isolates all of us.  It takes away our humanity.

Let’s see if one by one we can’t try and help each other out, understanding this ‘intuitive’ technology, and communicating with each other.  Maybe we can finally get to the idea that it’s never simply about us and them — It’s really just Everybody!

Ka-ching

Shell Tain, the Untangler

What’s your take on this? Give me a call at 503-258-1630 or leave a comment.